Say something about gay babies.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
