Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
