can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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