I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
