I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
