Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
