I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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