Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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