i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
