I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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