the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just pee around me
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
