I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
