We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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