I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Randomize
