eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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