My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
