I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
