Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My breasts were aching with rage.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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