kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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