So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
