ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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