I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
