I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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