she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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