We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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