hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
