i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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