I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Randomize
