why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
whose parrot is this?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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