Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
