I checked into jail on foursquare
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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