The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
