I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
