Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
