Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
