When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
