And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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