So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i came on her dog
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
