I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i came on her dog
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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