Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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