the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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