Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
