We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
