Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
