Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
