I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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