Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
