i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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