any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
