What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
